Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Dear Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!”
“Dear Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!”
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get a hair cut!”
The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know dad,
I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”
His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch. “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?” asks the sailor. “I was swept overboard in a storm,” says the pirate. “A shark bit off me whole leg.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about the hook?”
“We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut me."
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “And the eye patch?” “A seagull dropping fell in me eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
The pirate answered, “It was the first day with the hook.”
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Ole and Lena bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Ole says to Lena, “I thought you had the keys.”
Lena says, “You were driving, the driver always takes the keys.”
“Well,” says Ole, “It doesn’t much matter, the question is what are we going to do about it.”
Lena says, “I don’t know, but we better come up with something fast because it looks like rain, and you had to go and leave the top down.”
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When Ole moved north he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in a little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday. Since they were forbidden to eat meat on Fridays, the aroma was so tempting that something had to be done.
Neighbors went over to Ole and managed to convince him to join their church. The big day came and the priest made Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole’s head and said, “Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now,” he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole’s head, “now you are a Catholic!”
Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, the aroma of grilled deer steaks was coming from Ole’s yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about it. As they approached the fence, they heard Ole say,
“You were born a deer, you were raised a deer, and now,” he said as he sprinkled seasoning salt over the choice tender loin cut, “now you are a fish!”
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