Our retirement didn't go as planned

By Sherry Nicholson of Elk River

John 16:33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

As Don and I approached retirement, we talked about what we wanted to do in our retirement years. Fishing, traveling, and spending more time with our kids and grandkids made the list.

Exactly one week after Don retired, I was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive breast cancer. I was told I had a 50 percent chance of getting a good response from chemo. If I didn’t get a response I would be moved to clinical trials. I went through harsh chemo and had to come to terms with my own mortality.

Even as a believer I struggled. Not with my eternal destination, as that was settled when I accepted Christ as my savior. One of my emotional struggles was with the thought of the dying process. How bad would my last days be and how much physical suffering would I need to endure. I watched both of my parents pass away and the thought of suffering at the end of life was a bit daunting. Also, the thought of leaving Don alone to fend for himself was a really hard thing to come to terms with.

It took months of praying and soul searching to realize that God was already proving to me throughout my cancer journey that he would never leave me nor forsake me. God would be with me through the dying process when my time came. As far as Don was concerned, well... God could take better care of him than I could.

I gave myself many pep talks through those days and months of chemo – “You will get through this hard season and then you and Don can enjoy those well-earned retirement years.”

I had one month left in my chemo regimen when Don was diagnosed with stage 4 Mantle Cell Lymphoma, a rare cancer for which there is no known cure. I guess those retirement plans would be once again placed on the back burner. As I ended my chemo treatments, Don started his.

When I recovered enough from chemo and regained strength, I faced a double mastectomy. I distinctly remember waking up in the recovery room realizing part of my anatomy was forever gone.

Don was a tremendous help and blessing to me during my recovery. Here he was facing his own battle, yet he helped bandage me and empty the drains coming out of my chest. He comforted me when I was in pain and held me when I cried. I was incredibly grateful for his tender loving care.

Following surgery, I was given the great news that I was now “cancer free.” I however struggled with my happiness because how could I celebrate such wonderful news when my hubby sat next to me with a terminal diagnosis. I decided that I should be joyful and celebrate how God had helped me through cancer and the fact that I was now deemed cancer free, and Don encouraged me to do just that.

Don went through his treatment without the major side effects that had plagued me. I thought it was so unfair that he never even lost his hair. Two days after his final treatment, we were faced with a life-and-death situation when Don’s bowel ruptured, and he was rushed in for emergency surgery resulting in an ostomy.

Then just one day after Don was released from the hospital, criminals gained access to our computer and got into our bank account. I was still weak from my cancer ordeal and still a bit emotional after Don’s medical emergency, and now criminals are actually moving money around in our account. We called the bank, but would they be able to freeze the account in time? I went to my bed and cried out to the Lord. I proclaimed out loud the verse in Isaiah 54, No weapon formed against me shall prosper. The bank called back and said they were able to freeze all assets before they were stolen.

Through this series of difficulties we were still finding reasons to count our blessings. We weren’t experiencing the retirement we had planned, but we could feel God’s hand upon us to bless us, comfort and guide us through sickness, suffering and hardships.

I made it through my cancer journey, but sadly I lost four dear friends within a few months’ time. These ladies were such dear friends and some of my biggest prayer warriors and cheerleaders during my cancer journey. Such a tremendous loss in just a few short months. I was weary and broken from losing my friends. I asked God for a break from hardship and suffering. Just a break to gather some more courage and continue on.

Just two short days after that prayer we heard a knock at the door. It was Sunday, April 28, 2024. There stood two police officers, a male and a female. They said we need to come in and you need to sit down. I was a bit weak in the knees at this point, so I took them up on their offer to sit. Don sat across the table from me and the officers proceeded to tell us that our youngest son was deceased. He had died by suicide sometime during the night.

I didn’t tell Don this until weeks later, but in the very early hours of April 28 I was awakened at 2:10 a.m. out of a deep sleep. I stood up and immediately felt something was wrong or off. I do believe that it may have been at that time our son passed. I have no other reason to stand up and feel a very unsettled feeling at that time. The bond between mother and child is something very special.

May 4, we buried our youngest child. It was supposed to rain that day, and the small funeral was to be held outside at the graveside. We prayed for a break in the weather. As we were getting near the cemetery, an eagle flew over the car. As we gathered around the grave, the clouds parted giving us some glimpses of sun. Some sandhill cranes made their prehistoric-like calls in the background, and as Don and I stood in front of our son’s casket the first butterfly of the season fluttered in front of both of us. I always try to see the blessings in the hard stuff, and on the saddest of days there were glimpses of beauty to comfort these two grieving parents.

I do not know why after just asking God for a break from hardship we would face our biggest hardship just two days later. But what I do know for certain after all these trials is that God has never left our side. His promises are true. Our circumstances and the trials we face are not the measurement of God’s love for us. The proof of how much He loves us is the cross. I can personally testify to the goodness of God in the hardest of days. There are blessings  even in the valleys, and growth, lots of growth.

We can all get weary and discouraged from time to time. Especially so when physical suffering seems relentless. I have seen despair or discouragement set in when my focus is on the hardship and trial. If I set my focus on all of the blessings that are among the trials and keep my eyes on the Lord and His goodness, I don’t easily sink into the depths of despair.

A glass of cold water is a blessing if you choose to see it that way. Sometimes the blessing is a butterfly that flutters in front of you on your saddest of days.